Nornan Mailer's Mother Wouldn't Hear A Bad Word Said

Regarding persons criticizing one's children. I recall an interview with, I think, Normal Mailer in which he said that his mother, like any mother, would always defend him. I paraphrase: "If someone ran up to her screaming that I'd just opened fire on a crowd of people in a shopping mall, she would probably say something like, Well, somebody probably made him mad."

Teenagers are a special breed. I used to pride myself on being able to turn touchy situations with teenagers along totally around by simply taking them seriously as human beings and not judging them. They would appreciate this so much! It could really save the day for the parents on a trip or at a meal, whatever.

I think part of what sent me to that response was the memory of my uncle at a Sunday lunch when I, as a teen, was just cranky and so appalled that I had to sit at the table and listen to all the stupid things my family had to say. I was getting dirty looks from everyone, when my uncle leaned over and said, "You want to get out of here and get some ice cream? Let's take a ride in the Yellow Submarine."

The Yellow Submarine was his beat up Porche, yellow of course, and it was very fun to ride in. Mostly, though, I was so touched at not being judged, so amazed and thrilled and grateful that someone had, even for a moment, understood my pain, that, really, I think it opened a door in my heart that has never closed. I have great sympathy for the pain of the teen, and my uncle showed me a way to ease life up for a teenager, for a moment, here and there.

I don't get the opportunity that much any more. One's own children don't buy it; through that phase of life they need to push against us, and their friends are usually pretty darn well behaved around me. But sometimes all it takes when I see one of them struggling is a question and a look and a smile. Something that tells them they are not being judged, that they are still lovable people.

Teenagers are not adults. While bad behavior shouldn't be indulged, of course, annoying teenage angstishness does not need to be pointed out at every turn. It's a useless power struggle, anyway. Lead by example. Have a bit of compassion. It's the only thing that works, anyway.